Category Archives: My Thoughts

Call it a diary, if you will!

Starting off badly

Day 7 is starting off badly.
I’m not allowing myself to talk negatively in my daily happiness posts. But that doesn’t ban me from bitching in my other posts, right?
I’m laying here in bed at 12:48, day 7 just beginning. I haven’t slept yet and all I’m doing is crying and typing. I’ve decided to branch out a bit and talk to some friends about my depression.
Side note: I hate that word, depression. It makes me sound like such a looser. Like I’m a suicide risk (which I’m NOT!) I wish there was another word for what I am. Besides depressed… Emotionally challenged? Ugh, any thoughts? Maybe I’ll google it.
Anyway… I started telling people about my emotionally chaneged-ness.
I told my BFF.
I told my pregnant friend, mostly to help her understand my unwillingness to talk about her “situation”.
And after ignoring my aunts emails for weeks. I just sent her one back. Which brought me to my current state of tears. Her daughters have had issues with depression. So I feel like she’ll understand, maybe even have advice.
So, here I am. Typing and crying. I’m done emailing her. And I still can’t sleep so I’m typing more. Typing this post, at freeking 1:00 in the morning. Knowing that no-one is going to read it.
Even if no-one reads this it still makes me feel better.
Job done.
I really hope the rest of day 7 is better… I’ll update you later.
Now I’m off to google “depression”.

Every day is another day

It’s been nearly 6 weeks since my miscarriage… wow, now that I say that It seems longer than I expected it to be.
It’s also been over a year since I started trying to convince my husband to have children. (I guess that’s the first form of “trying”)

6 weeks.
6 weeks of ups and downs… 42 days of thinking about it… several times a day.
Physically, I’m okay… my OBGYN confirmed it.
She even announced that we can start trying again.
Emotionally and physiologically I’m not even close to okay.
Every day’s a battle, Every day’s a challenge.
Not many people know that it’s so difficult. Not even my mother.

I feel like a bipolar person. One day I’m happy, able to talk about it.
And able to laugh… really laugh.
And then something happens…
Something small, I see a newborn baby. And the whole day I’m miserable.
Or something big happens, a good friend announces her pregnancy…
And for hours I cry. After that  I’m depressed for days.

I feel like I’m climbing a mountain, and when I get close to the top an avalanche knocks me back down and I have to dig myself out of the snow before I can start climbing up again.

All I can hold on to is what my husband said,

“Just take it day by day, and every day is another day”


Private Problems Turned Public

My husband and I have been married for around a year and a half; we’ve been together for nearly 5 years, living together for 3.

Even before we were married we talked about kids. Of course, we had other plans first:
– Get married
– Live a happily married life for a while
– Graduate college
– Get our own health insurance (with maternity)
– Make sure the business is going steady
– Have good savings
– Make sure we’re ready for the time and responsibility

I don’t know how we could possibly be better prepared. We had our list checked off, dairy business is never steady, but we were finally doing good.

I have been taking care of kids since I was 15 and finally we were going to try for our own. Bart even knew what he was getting into, since we were now taking care of Taylor several days a week; since she was two months old.

We heard lots of stories about people trying to get pregnant for months or years; so we were trying to stay realistic about the whole process. We were never under any illusions that being pregnant would be easy.

Surprisingly, we were pregnant within two weeks. We went to my OB/GYN afterward and did lots of blood tests and a new pap. Everything turned out great. I have no problems/bad family history. We decided to wait until the first sonogram to tell family and friends. It was wonderful keeping it to ourself for a while. It was a nice little secret between Bart and I.

Our first sonogram was so exciting! It was wonderful and cute and sweet all at once. Overwhelming! The doc said that everything looked great. Nothing to worry about. We took that as a go-ahead and tell family and friends. Thanksgiving day we announced. We called Bart’s family and we gave my family a huge wrapped box with pink and blue helium balloons in it.

That wait between the 8 week sono and the 12 week checkup took FOREVER! On the 12 week mark we started to get some worrying symptoms, I wont go into details. But we went a few days early to the doc for a check up.

The whole time you’re worrying about it, you fear the worst. But you don’t want to believe that anything is wrong. Still holding onto any shred of hope.
They tried to find the heart beat with the doppler, and couldn’t. Still we hope.
They do exams. Still we hope.
They order a sonogram. immediately I saw that something is wrong, it was small and wasn’t moving on the screen. Still we hope.

The doctor came in and told us the bad news. Somewhere between the 8th and 12th week the baby had died. It could have been as early as a few days after the sono. We were having a miscarriage.

That morning we were going through the emotional side of things.
Small things hurt, like remembering when we read that the baby was about the size of a lemon. Feeling pregnant even though the baby had died. Getting things in the mail, little gifts. Hearing that other girls were getting “knocked up” when they didn’t have a stable relationship or money to take care of a baby. Those things stung.

And having to tell everyone, our private tragedy was becoming very very public.

That afternoon we put it on Facebook, getting it right out there. Then in the evening I ended up in the ER because the pain of the whole process was so bad.

Plans are postponed, dreams are put off.

But we will try again when we can. The fear now, is a big Question Mark ?

Will it happen again ?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. One day I’ll get my bundle of joy. I’m staying positive. But it’s hard.

Can you believe that one in three pregnancies result in miscarriage?

Well, that’s what the doc says. I guess in some weird way it gives me hope that this was just one of those statistics, and there’s not a bigger problem at hand.



My Video!

My husband, Bart and I were chopping silage at the farm (he is on the red tractor packing it into the pile)
It’s a really exciting time so we decided to document it with this film.
We set up an iphone on the top of the commodity barn and added an app that takes pictures every twenty seconds.
Afterward I made it into this movie and added music.



Top 10 Reasons I LOVE My Husband

So, On my blog I wrote Top 5 Reasons My Husband Annoys Me,
And now I’m writing 10 reasons why I love him…
So here goes:

Top 10 Reasons I LOVE My Husband

1) He brings the best out in me.

2) He is Loving and really cares about me.

3) He is genuinely interested in my day, school, work, and overall whats going on with me.

4) He is a really good talker, but he’s an even better listener. 

5) He is one of the hardest working people I know.

Those were a few mushy gushy things, now for the little things…

6) He takes off his shoes before walking in the house.

7) He takes out the trash. 🙂

8) He sometimes helps with washing laundry.

9) He mows the lawn.

10) And most important! He LOVES Me Back!

It made me feel good, everyone should write this about their husbands…

Hope you liked it!




Top 5 Reasons My Husband Annoys Me

So I saw this idea on
And I decided to do it too! Except 10 things is a lot to write…

First of all I just want to say that I absolutely adore my husband. And after I post this I plan on writing things that I love about my husband. 🙂
So here it is!

Top 5 Reasons My Husband Annoys Me

1) I can CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN and CLEAN some more but I usually have to tell him before he notices, sometimes I just want to have some recognition for all I do.
(By the way sometimes he does notice by himself)

2) At night before he goes to bed he will kick his socks and underwear off and lay them at the side of the bed. I’ll say, if those are dirty why don’t  you just throw them in the hamper? His answer, they aren’t dirty I’ll wear them tomorrow.
(He doesn’t wear them tomorrow and I will end up putting them in the hamper)

3) The deep fryer… I hate the deep fryer, not only does its food go streight to my hips, it stinks up the whole house and leaves a greasy mess. My husband is the king of the deep fryer, it annoys me that he refuses to use it outside.

4) He says he cleaned up after himself in the kitchen but he doesn’t clean it up all the way, there is usually still a knife laying out, or lots of crumbs

5) He will get finished washing his hands and he will shake the water off of them… after that I can clean the mirror, counter top, sink, and floor all over again.

I know these are little petty things but I adore my husband even though there are a few things that annoy me about him…



Heejun, American Idol

Oh yes. I am one of those people.

One of the American Idol fans. There are millions of us out there. And were cool 😉
I enjoy all of the episodes from the cities to hollywood week to the final winner. My husband, Bart, on the other hand mainly likes the first few episodes. He likes to laugh at the bad singers and the crazy ones. I have to agree, that’s amusing too.

ANYWAY!… I’m getting off topic…

What I really wanted to talk about was…


If you have watched much of American Idol lately there is no way you could miss Heejun.

 Heejun is 22 years old and is from Flushing, NY he first auditioned in Pittsburg. When I saw him joke with Ryan I was thinking “Get ready Bart, this is gonna be BAD!” He was funny and shaky and nervous. And then he sang. I was shocked! The voice was beautiful. sultry and a little rough around the edges.

AND He has this dry humor that is hilarious. I literally Laughed Out Loud!
I think the funniest part of American Idol was when he was teamed up with “The Cowboy” I think the cowboy, Richie Law, was my least favorite contestant. (I’m not sad to see him go.) Richie is a guy who wants to dictate the whole group. They were at each others thoughts the whole time.

This brings me to some of my favorite Heejun quotes:

“I don’t know how they do it in cowboy town but this is not how we break it down man”

“The war is on…with cowboy”

“We started off really rough. Phillip had a kidney stone and Cowboy had a…brain stone I don’t know what’s going on with him.”

“Now I have a very very bad perspective towards cowboys. Even Dallas Cowboys. Freaking cowboys.”


Idol Banter: ‘American Idol’ contestant Heejun Han keeps us from changing the channel

A few of my other Idol favorites:

Well. I hope to add to this later.
I just had some bad news and it put me in a bad mood. I think I’m gonna eat some ice cream and watch some How I Met Your Mother…